Realizations

Here's the thing...
the people out there who need the most help, usually don't want it. And there's nothing, absolutely nothing, anyone can do about it.

for the most part, I'm pretty positive. I am full of faith and hope. However, recently, I've seemed to just take it for what it is, in certain situations.

Sometimes, people just are hard. I can't change it. All I can do is work with God on me. Only he can change someone, and only someone else can respond to God's prompts for them to change. I have nothing to do with it. And so, let's face it... people often, DON'T change.

Even when they should. Even when it's life or death, and the relationships all around them of the people who love them are riding on it... they don't change.

So, my predicament is this... how can I learn to handle it when the person not changing is affecting me so much because I'm one of the loved ones watching? What do we do?

Sit in the middle of this pain with me. I have no control. I cannot change the person. I cannot change the situation. I have to sit here and watch. Watch the pain, watch the suffering, watch the unwillingness to move or bend. Wait for a miracle... and really, I have given up hope that it's coming because it's easier for me to live there, than to be hopeful and then disappointed.

All of this stuff, it is the core of me. My entire life is a result of this pain watching of the unmoved person. The realization that I will not ever be enough of a reason for someone to want to change.

And then, here's the miracle: I love him still. With every ounce and core of my being, i cannot escape or release this overwhelming powerful love. What is this inside of me, this un-fathomable love? It overcomes even the hardest, most broken obstacles, and pours out, even when not deserved or asked for. How is this possible? When all this is the flesh of me wants to lash out in anger and pain, the spirit cries love. Tears and sobs of love... wishing and hoping, even though I tell myself I know better than that.

I can't give up. And I won't.
Even though the reality is, things probably won't ever change.

In a year...

I'm amazed at all that has happened this year, sweet baby boy. The journey to you was an adventure, and now a year has gone by.

I sometimes get amazed when I look back at the pictures of us... both of our lives were vulnerable... you in the NICU barely able to breathe... me in the room across the hall, my blood pressure uncontrollable. At the time, I was only just coping with each minute, not able to fully grasp the situation and how things might have turned out. As I look back I am extremely grateful. We survived little boy! You and me, together.

You give my own life so much joy. It's such a privilege to watch you grow up and to stand witness to your life. I can only pray that I can parent you in the best way for who you are.

Thanks for surprising us with beautiful blessings and teaching me about what it is to cherish. Happy almost one year...

New Year, New Confusion

Hi all...
I'm a little depressed. I can't put my finger right on it, can anyone who's depressed? I think I am not sure.

Just not sure.

Not sure about what's next, or if where I am is right. Not sure if what I'm doing is just filling time, killing time, or just pointless. Not sure if I'm impacting anything for the better. Not sure.

I know I know.. I'm parenting. That's valuable.
Cleaning house... wow, earth shattering.
Teaching people how to make cards and scrapbook... hmmm. Mountain moving.

I just have this in between waiting game deal going on. I just don't know. I think it might be that crisis that happens to us in our mid thirties. Shouldn't I be "someone" now? Shouldn't life be and feel more established and calm? Shouldn't I emotionally be free and healed of all things that have happened to me or happened because of me? Shouldn't I be strong, conquering, confident, beautiful and wise by now?

And so, I stand in front of a road, that I don't know if I should take. I don't know if I should change directions. I don't know if what I am good at is over with and now I need to find something else to be good at. I'm not sure.

Anyone with insight, please email me.

To you all, Happy New Year!

The In-Betweens

My friend Joy, one of those angels God puts in your path at just the right time for just the right reason, once advised me on "future" worry.

I was just out of college, and ready to be teacher of the year. Only problem was, I couldn't even get an interview, and I was so so so deflated. I just searched and searched my heart and kept asking God why he wouldn't just provide the opportunity to teach? What was holding me back? At the time, Joy was my bible study leader at church. She is quite a bit older than me, and then I was only a 20 something. We would gather together for prayer afterwards, and I was always asking for prayer for my future. "What was I supposed to do," I kept wondering and asking.
One day Joy spoke profound holy spirit inspired words to me.

She said, "Shelly, What has God called you to do today? Do that and he'll show you tomorrow when you get to tomorrow."

Once again, I'm in an in-between time in life. We are not plugged into a church. I am not leading anything. I am not working anywhere, other than photography stuff and part time stuff at the srapbook store. But, those things don't feel like they count for some reason. I feel kind of "useless."

And WHY? Isn't what God has given me for this day valuable? What is it inside of me that feels like I'm not contributing right now because I'm mostly an at home mom? I often have pockets in my day, little brief corners, where I think, "OH, I'm so glad I didn't miss that because my kids are in daycare." I've spent so much time investing in other people's kids... what about my own?

So, if you're reading this, pray for me and I'll pray for you, the following prayer:

"Whatever is in front of me or behind me, is not as important, Lord, as what I am doing right NOW. This moment, this second, is from you. Help me to serve you in it."

Now, rest in this day. Be still. Stand and take it in. Because the moment may pass, and we might miss out on what and who's in store.

Fall

Just a few pix of the boys this fall... they are getting so very very big and are all in different stages. I love them so much!

Old Appetites

So, I'm learning some things this year... 2008 is my year of learning, I think. I'm almost 35. I think this must be the time in life where we decide, this is who I am, and everyone else can deal with it. For me, it has become more, this is why I am free from who I used to be, and am more myself than ever before.

Here's a quote that caught my attention, at bible study, of course. Talking about the wilderness and what God says to us when we are grumbling through it... "I have shown you my presence again and again. I have intervened on your behalf with signs and wonders. I have healed your bitter water and have led you to the palms. I have also let you go hungry so that you would know who it is who feeds you. Now I will put you through the hardest test of all: I will let you grow accustomed to my presence. I will feed you from my table daily and prove who you really are. Will you grow in awe, or will you grow cold?"

Wow. Who am I? God is proving to me and is giving me the opportunity to respond to him in the amazing provisions he has given me.

So, songs... always in my head. This one particularly today...

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases.

His mercies never come to an end.

They are new every morning, new every morning.

Great is thy faithfulness O Lord. Great is thy faithfulness.

Today I am standing in awe. Tomorrow I might fail, but today I am in awe.

If you're reading this, you are already blessed beyond what you can dream... you have a computer and the means to read something online. You have time to sit and read it. I have time to sit and write it. We are blessed. This is abundance. My old appetite would say, I want more than I have. I need "this" to feel happy. I want "that" so I can "appear" like I'm doing good to others. However, the truth is this... I am who I am because God has filled up the old parts with new. He has created and treasured me enough to want me as his own. And I have asked him to come and be between me and what hurts. I have asked him to open the eyes of my heart so I can really see... and then to have the courage to face what's there. And he's for sure, without a doubt, doing that right now today...

Extremely, overwhelmingly, thankful.

Tough Day

So, the three year old in our house is a wonderful, curious, enormous personality, who most days puts me down on my knees begging God for strength, compassion, and mostly just HELP. Today, was extra, extra special.

My husband lost his wallet on the 4th of July... he has not gotten his driver's license updated yet. Nice. But, this is something I cannot do for him. So he'll have to go without until he physically goes and replaces it. So, the day started with a phone call... he had a bank meeting and needs his passport. Can you please Shelly go look for it... It could be in the pile of papers in the hall closet, or the junk drawer, or the bill drawer, or the safe, which by the way is locked and you need to find the combination to open it, which we aren't exactly sure where it is.

So, with Spongebob Squarepants on the TV and Wesley snuggled into his high chair with a bottle, mom starts searching. Probably 10 minutes into the search, I come into the living room to check on Mr. O, who is at the same moment "hiding" something in a blanket on the couch. I say, "WHAT are you doing?" To my surprise, I find the little "i" from our laptop keyboard, that was pryed off, and now apparently is treasure enough to hide. OK, he's in big trouble. Anyway, I reprimand, and explain why we can't touch the laptop, and now it's broken... at that point I couldn't even type with the letter I... UGH!

Back to the passport search... about 5 more minutes of me looking and I hear, "I have to go potty." OK, I say, Go ahead and go...

I'm still looking, he's peeing... then flushing, and flushing, and flushing... my instincts start to kick in, but it's too late. As I round the corner, I see overflowing water... and a LOT of toilet paper. Like I just changed the roll this morning and now there's nothing left on the roll and it's all flowing in streams of water down the bathroom floor out into my hallway all over my hardwood floors....

Cusswords.
Lots and lots of them.

All I can find is dirty laundry to at least dam the flow... I make a huge pile a the bathroom door to slow it down... find my way to the toilet to stop the water flow... I have to pry the whatever it is that controls the water level water lever in an up position with the end of the plunger to get it to stop...
Then run outside to get the wet vac... we live in an old house that occasionally gets water, so we know about wet vacs... anyway... run back in and frantically start sucking it up...

Mr. O... please go upstairs and have a timeout on your bed until mommy is done cleaning this up, and then we are going to have serious words. And don't MOVE from your bed until I get there.

By the time I get upstairs to check on him... obviously the kid can't be left alone to his own devices for more than ten seconds... he is putting a PENCIL in the FAN! Yes, breaking yet another thing.

I loose it. Yes, I loose it. In fact, I have to sit down and cry, and I start hyperventilating. I think it was pretty much a kind of panic attack. Ever had one? It feels like a heart attack and a migraine all at the same time... for whatever reason, it's my head that always hurts the most. This all is now 15 minutes before we have to leave to go to a bank meeting, where I need to be dressed, clean, and not looking like I've been wearing my PJ's all day and now have wet vac stains on them, and also just had a panic attack. I lay the three year old down for a nap... yes it's only going to be a 20 minute nap, but at this point, there are no other options.

I check on the baby... still sucking on a bottle. I head for the downstairs shower... and guess what I find?

Water. Water everywhere... my efforts to slow it and suck it apparently didn't matter at all. And now our basement has water. And I just move things, and pull up the rug, and get a fan. That's all I can do at this point... and I take a shower.

In that shower the prayer went something like this...
"I don't know how you expect me to handle 20 more years of this raising boys, but if you do I need a little help here."
And then you know what happened? I was washed over, literally and spiritually, with peace.

I am thankful. These kids are beautiful. My husband is absolutely amazing. I am so blessed.
So tonight has been clean up, get organized and let's regroup for tomorrow.
In high school my best friend's mom, Linda, used to tell us, "better days are coming."
She's right.