I have been through a bunch of hard things lately. I won't tell you how it's been easy, because it hasn't been. My "delayed reactor-ness" is landing about now... and I'm having my emotional breakdowns and fits of rage and crying every other day. As my friend Mary Jane used to say, "the horomonal cocktail is not mixed quite right."
Someone I trusted took advantage of me. After looking back over the situation, i realized that i allowed this behavior to continue in the hopes that it wasn't really happening. But it was. I was right. I now have been looking back over the last two years wondering if ANYTHING I've experienced with this person was true or not.
Also, I've had to deal with a hard diagnosis of someone I love. Again, hopeful that it wasn't true, and then dealing with the reality of the fact that it is true. And now how to proceed and how to go forward.
Here's what I now know because of this CRAP:
1. Even though I can't control what goes on in the lives and bodies of others, I can push, question, and trust my gut in the midst of the trial.
2. I have good intuition and can trust it. (Especially since I believe the Holy Spirit lives in my heart.)
3. I really don't have time to worry about hurting someone else's feelings by asking hard questions. How much heartache would I have saved had I been more aggressive with my hard questions?
4. I really respect others who have the courage to ask hard questions. It causes me to often stop and re-evaluate my own actions and ideas. Therefore, courage evokes change.
5. I've learned that when faced with a fork in the road, you never go wrong by doing the right thing.
6. I now know that even though I don't always know the "ending," it's how I'm dealing with the "right now" that really matters. God is in control. I've decided to let him be.
I Thessalonians 5:17-18 says this, "pray continually. give thanks in all circumstances. For this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."
The truth is here. God's will for my life is for me to seek him out always (pray continually) and then to give thanks in all circumstances, no matter how good or bad or hard or challenging. Give thanks.
So, Lord, I'm thanking you tonight. For the beauty of life and the strength you've bestowed upon me to deal with every curveball that get's thrown my way. Thanks for keeping me in your fold, for hiding me in the shadow of your wings. Thanks for being a safe tower, a refuge, a place to be protected from the storm. Thank you Lord. You are in control and I am yours.
Last night as I was falling asleep this old campfire song was in my head, "This song I sing. To the one who has created all that I can see. To the one who has provided to me, everything I need. To my God and to my King, this song I sing."
Even in the midst of all that is unknown right now God, you are everything I need.
