Tough Day

So, the three year old in our house is a wonderful, curious, enormous personality, who most days puts me down on my knees begging God for strength, compassion, and mostly just HELP. Today, was extra, extra special.

My husband lost his wallet on the 4th of July... he has not gotten his driver's license updated yet. Nice. But, this is something I cannot do for him. So he'll have to go without until he physically goes and replaces it. So, the day started with a phone call... he had a bank meeting and needs his passport. Can you please Shelly go look for it... It could be in the pile of papers in the hall closet, or the junk drawer, or the bill drawer, or the safe, which by the way is locked and you need to find the combination to open it, which we aren't exactly sure where it is.

So, with Spongebob Squarepants on the TV and Wesley snuggled into his high chair with a bottle, mom starts searching. Probably 10 minutes into the search, I come into the living room to check on Mr. O, who is at the same moment "hiding" something in a blanket on the couch. I say, "WHAT are you doing?" To my surprise, I find the little "i" from our laptop keyboard, that was pryed off, and now apparently is treasure enough to hide. OK, he's in big trouble. Anyway, I reprimand, and explain why we can't touch the laptop, and now it's broken... at that point I couldn't even type with the letter I... UGH!

Back to the passport search... about 5 more minutes of me looking and I hear, "I have to go potty." OK, I say, Go ahead and go...

I'm still looking, he's peeing... then flushing, and flushing, and flushing... my instincts start to kick in, but it's too late. As I round the corner, I see overflowing water... and a LOT of toilet paper. Like I just changed the roll this morning and now there's nothing left on the roll and it's all flowing in streams of water down the bathroom floor out into my hallway all over my hardwood floors....

Cusswords.
Lots and lots of them.

All I can find is dirty laundry to at least dam the flow... I make a huge pile a the bathroom door to slow it down... find my way to the toilet to stop the water flow... I have to pry the whatever it is that controls the water level water lever in an up position with the end of the plunger to get it to stop...
Then run outside to get the wet vac... we live in an old house that occasionally gets water, so we know about wet vacs... anyway... run back in and frantically start sucking it up...

Mr. O... please go upstairs and have a timeout on your bed until mommy is done cleaning this up, and then we are going to have serious words. And don't MOVE from your bed until I get there.

By the time I get upstairs to check on him... obviously the kid can't be left alone to his own devices for more than ten seconds... he is putting a PENCIL in the FAN! Yes, breaking yet another thing.

I loose it. Yes, I loose it. In fact, I have to sit down and cry, and I start hyperventilating. I think it was pretty much a kind of panic attack. Ever had one? It feels like a heart attack and a migraine all at the same time... for whatever reason, it's my head that always hurts the most. This all is now 15 minutes before we have to leave to go to a bank meeting, where I need to be dressed, clean, and not looking like I've been wearing my PJ's all day and now have wet vac stains on them, and also just had a panic attack. I lay the three year old down for a nap... yes it's only going to be a 20 minute nap, but at this point, there are no other options.

I check on the baby... still sucking on a bottle. I head for the downstairs shower... and guess what I find?

Water. Water everywhere... my efforts to slow it and suck it apparently didn't matter at all. And now our basement has water. And I just move things, and pull up the rug, and get a fan. That's all I can do at this point... and I take a shower.

In that shower the prayer went something like this...
"I don't know how you expect me to handle 20 more years of this raising boys, but if you do I need a little help here."
And then you know what happened? I was washed over, literally and spiritually, with peace.

I am thankful. These kids are beautiful. My husband is absolutely amazing. I am so blessed.
So tonight has been clean up, get organized and let's regroup for tomorrow.
In high school my best friend's mom, Linda, used to tell us, "better days are coming."
She's right.

Me, Right now...

Brian and I...

Mommy and Owen...

Mommy and Wes...

Brady, Bradster.

For whatever reason, God made me to be a self-evaluator. Probably an Over self evaluator is more like it. And in that, about every 6 months or so I go through some personal crisis of belief, wondering what does this all mean, and how does this impact me, and who am I in the process. On and on and on it goes.

This month, weeks have been no exception... however, this time, there's a mountaintop lasting impactful jolt of clarity.

Who I am and all that I've become, thank God, is not just on my own shoulders. I realized, that me, this hurt, wounded, healing, recovering, in process of restoration, type of person, is a "tabernacle." A place where one who is holier than holy actually dwells. A sanctuary. Tried and True. I have been studying this in a bible study, but it is rocking my world upside down. What does this mean about me? How can so much anger, resentment and vulgarity come out of a place where the holier than holy dwells? Ahhh, this journey is so overwhelming, isn't it?

A word about bible studies... the one I am in is KICK BUTT. They are SO doing it the right way. I only say this because I've been in all types, shapes and sizes of bible studies. In this one, my children really do have LOVING childcare, where they are encouraged and built up... not just some babysitter that was a last minute find, who's counting the seconds until it's over. And, they have SNACKS... Good snacks. Homemade delicous wonderful snacks. And HOT coffee. Free. With no obligation on my part other than to show up and learn. AND, I am not the leader. I have spent so much time in the last 5 years leading "stuff." It's such a BREATH of fresh air to not lead, and just participate and enjoy. Whew! I didn't realize I needed that so much. AND, people are REAL. I'm one of those folks that believes if everything feels too good to be true, it probably is. Like if you go to a church and everyone looks great, and the building is shiny and new, I find myself wondering... "where do the sinners and outcasts sit?" Anyway, I, the sinner and outcast, the cussing at home mom, the realist in too many ways, am enjoying that this room full of moms and ladies feel and appear, for the most part, to not give a rats a** about what anyone thinks and they are just struggling along the same as me.

That's right people, I struggle. I fail. I don't do it right most of the time. Every day of parenting for me starts with me wondering a. why me god? and b. could you help me out here? and c. can you make it work for my husband to come home early today? That's the kind of at home mom I am. There's no special crafts and baking projects... it's just me surviving this time in my life. Another mom said to me recently... we call that time in our marriage the "hell years." HA! She's so right. Don't get me wrong. I love and adore my kids. They are absolutely awesome! And funny! And so independant (like me)... which is great, but hard to parent. I will never be a homeschool mom. I absolutely relish the idea of my kids being in school. My dream is to garden, scrapbook and photograph my garden so I can scrapbook it. This will happen in about 18-20 years... :) For now, I struggle forward, trying to do and be this thing called mom. And be a tabernacle at the same time. OH and a wife. But, that's next week's post.