Me, Right now...

Brian and I...

Mommy and Owen...

Mommy and Wes...

Brady, Bradster.

For whatever reason, God made me to be a self-evaluator. Probably an Over self evaluator is more like it. And in that, about every 6 months or so I go through some personal crisis of belief, wondering what does this all mean, and how does this impact me, and who am I in the process. On and on and on it goes.

This month, weeks have been no exception... however, this time, there's a mountaintop lasting impactful jolt of clarity.

Who I am and all that I've become, thank God, is not just on my own shoulders. I realized, that me, this hurt, wounded, healing, recovering, in process of restoration, type of person, is a "tabernacle." A place where one who is holier than holy actually dwells. A sanctuary. Tried and True. I have been studying this in a bible study, but it is rocking my world upside down. What does this mean about me? How can so much anger, resentment and vulgarity come out of a place where the holier than holy dwells? Ahhh, this journey is so overwhelming, isn't it?

A word about bible studies... the one I am in is KICK BUTT. They are SO doing it the right way. I only say this because I've been in all types, shapes and sizes of bible studies. In this one, my children really do have LOVING childcare, where they are encouraged and built up... not just some babysitter that was a last minute find, who's counting the seconds until it's over. And, they have SNACKS... Good snacks. Homemade delicous wonderful snacks. And HOT coffee. Free. With no obligation on my part other than to show up and learn. AND, I am not the leader. I have spent so much time in the last 5 years leading "stuff." It's such a BREATH of fresh air to not lead, and just participate and enjoy. Whew! I didn't realize I needed that so much. AND, people are REAL. I'm one of those folks that believes if everything feels too good to be true, it probably is. Like if you go to a church and everyone looks great, and the building is shiny and new, I find myself wondering... "where do the sinners and outcasts sit?" Anyway, I, the sinner and outcast, the cussing at home mom, the realist in too many ways, am enjoying that this room full of moms and ladies feel and appear, for the most part, to not give a rats a** about what anyone thinks and they are just struggling along the same as me.

That's right people, I struggle. I fail. I don't do it right most of the time. Every day of parenting for me starts with me wondering a. why me god? and b. could you help me out here? and c. can you make it work for my husband to come home early today? That's the kind of at home mom I am. There's no special crafts and baking projects... it's just me surviving this time in my life. Another mom said to me recently... we call that time in our marriage the "hell years." HA! She's so right. Don't get me wrong. I love and adore my kids. They are absolutely awesome! And funny! And so independant (like me)... which is great, but hard to parent. I will never be a homeschool mom. I absolutely relish the idea of my kids being in school. My dream is to garden, scrapbook and photograph my garden so I can scrapbook it. This will happen in about 18-20 years... :) For now, I struggle forward, trying to do and be this thing called mom. And be a tabernacle at the same time. OH and a wife. But, that's next week's post.