The In-Betweens

My friend Joy, one of those angels God puts in your path at just the right time for just the right reason, once advised me on "future" worry.

I was just out of college, and ready to be teacher of the year. Only problem was, I couldn't even get an interview, and I was so so so deflated. I just searched and searched my heart and kept asking God why he wouldn't just provide the opportunity to teach? What was holding me back? At the time, Joy was my bible study leader at church. She is quite a bit older than me, and then I was only a 20 something. We would gather together for prayer afterwards, and I was always asking for prayer for my future. "What was I supposed to do," I kept wondering and asking.
One day Joy spoke profound holy spirit inspired words to me.

She said, "Shelly, What has God called you to do today? Do that and he'll show you tomorrow when you get to tomorrow."

Once again, I'm in an in-between time in life. We are not plugged into a church. I am not leading anything. I am not working anywhere, other than photography stuff and part time stuff at the srapbook store. But, those things don't feel like they count for some reason. I feel kind of "useless."

And WHY? Isn't what God has given me for this day valuable? What is it inside of me that feels like I'm not contributing right now because I'm mostly an at home mom? I often have pockets in my day, little brief corners, where I think, "OH, I'm so glad I didn't miss that because my kids are in daycare." I've spent so much time investing in other people's kids... what about my own?

So, if you're reading this, pray for me and I'll pray for you, the following prayer:

"Whatever is in front of me or behind me, is not as important, Lord, as what I am doing right NOW. This moment, this second, is from you. Help me to serve you in it."

Now, rest in this day. Be still. Stand and take it in. Because the moment may pass, and we might miss out on what and who's in store.

Fall

Just a few pix of the boys this fall... they are getting so very very big and are all in different stages. I love them so much!

Old Appetites

So, I'm learning some things this year... 2008 is my year of learning, I think. I'm almost 35. I think this must be the time in life where we decide, this is who I am, and everyone else can deal with it. For me, it has become more, this is why I am free from who I used to be, and am more myself than ever before.

Here's a quote that caught my attention, at bible study, of course. Talking about the wilderness and what God says to us when we are grumbling through it... "I have shown you my presence again and again. I have intervened on your behalf with signs and wonders. I have healed your bitter water and have led you to the palms. I have also let you go hungry so that you would know who it is who feeds you. Now I will put you through the hardest test of all: I will let you grow accustomed to my presence. I will feed you from my table daily and prove who you really are. Will you grow in awe, or will you grow cold?"

Wow. Who am I? God is proving to me and is giving me the opportunity to respond to him in the amazing provisions he has given me.

So, songs... always in my head. This one particularly today...

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases.

His mercies never come to an end.

They are new every morning, new every morning.

Great is thy faithfulness O Lord. Great is thy faithfulness.

Today I am standing in awe. Tomorrow I might fail, but today I am in awe.

If you're reading this, you are already blessed beyond what you can dream... you have a computer and the means to read something online. You have time to sit and read it. I have time to sit and write it. We are blessed. This is abundance. My old appetite would say, I want more than I have. I need "this" to feel happy. I want "that" so I can "appear" like I'm doing good to others. However, the truth is this... I am who I am because God has filled up the old parts with new. He has created and treasured me enough to want me as his own. And I have asked him to come and be between me and what hurts. I have asked him to open the eyes of my heart so I can really see... and then to have the courage to face what's there. And he's for sure, without a doubt, doing that right now today...

Extremely, overwhelmingly, thankful.

Tough Day

So, the three year old in our house is a wonderful, curious, enormous personality, who most days puts me down on my knees begging God for strength, compassion, and mostly just HELP. Today, was extra, extra special.

My husband lost his wallet on the 4th of July... he has not gotten his driver's license updated yet. Nice. But, this is something I cannot do for him. So he'll have to go without until he physically goes and replaces it. So, the day started with a phone call... he had a bank meeting and needs his passport. Can you please Shelly go look for it... It could be in the pile of papers in the hall closet, or the junk drawer, or the bill drawer, or the safe, which by the way is locked and you need to find the combination to open it, which we aren't exactly sure where it is.

So, with Spongebob Squarepants on the TV and Wesley snuggled into his high chair with a bottle, mom starts searching. Probably 10 minutes into the search, I come into the living room to check on Mr. O, who is at the same moment "hiding" something in a blanket on the couch. I say, "WHAT are you doing?" To my surprise, I find the little "i" from our laptop keyboard, that was pryed off, and now apparently is treasure enough to hide. OK, he's in big trouble. Anyway, I reprimand, and explain why we can't touch the laptop, and now it's broken... at that point I couldn't even type with the letter I... UGH!

Back to the passport search... about 5 more minutes of me looking and I hear, "I have to go potty." OK, I say, Go ahead and go...

I'm still looking, he's peeing... then flushing, and flushing, and flushing... my instincts start to kick in, but it's too late. As I round the corner, I see overflowing water... and a LOT of toilet paper. Like I just changed the roll this morning and now there's nothing left on the roll and it's all flowing in streams of water down the bathroom floor out into my hallway all over my hardwood floors....

Cusswords.
Lots and lots of them.

All I can find is dirty laundry to at least dam the flow... I make a huge pile a the bathroom door to slow it down... find my way to the toilet to stop the water flow... I have to pry the whatever it is that controls the water level water lever in an up position with the end of the plunger to get it to stop...
Then run outside to get the wet vac... we live in an old house that occasionally gets water, so we know about wet vacs... anyway... run back in and frantically start sucking it up...

Mr. O... please go upstairs and have a timeout on your bed until mommy is done cleaning this up, and then we are going to have serious words. And don't MOVE from your bed until I get there.

By the time I get upstairs to check on him... obviously the kid can't be left alone to his own devices for more than ten seconds... he is putting a PENCIL in the FAN! Yes, breaking yet another thing.

I loose it. Yes, I loose it. In fact, I have to sit down and cry, and I start hyperventilating. I think it was pretty much a kind of panic attack. Ever had one? It feels like a heart attack and a migraine all at the same time... for whatever reason, it's my head that always hurts the most. This all is now 15 minutes before we have to leave to go to a bank meeting, where I need to be dressed, clean, and not looking like I've been wearing my PJ's all day and now have wet vac stains on them, and also just had a panic attack. I lay the three year old down for a nap... yes it's only going to be a 20 minute nap, but at this point, there are no other options.

I check on the baby... still sucking on a bottle. I head for the downstairs shower... and guess what I find?

Water. Water everywhere... my efforts to slow it and suck it apparently didn't matter at all. And now our basement has water. And I just move things, and pull up the rug, and get a fan. That's all I can do at this point... and I take a shower.

In that shower the prayer went something like this...
"I don't know how you expect me to handle 20 more years of this raising boys, but if you do I need a little help here."
And then you know what happened? I was washed over, literally and spiritually, with peace.

I am thankful. These kids are beautiful. My husband is absolutely amazing. I am so blessed.
So tonight has been clean up, get organized and let's regroup for tomorrow.
In high school my best friend's mom, Linda, used to tell us, "better days are coming."
She's right.

Me, Right now...

Brian and I...

Mommy and Owen...

Mommy and Wes...

Brady, Bradster.

For whatever reason, God made me to be a self-evaluator. Probably an Over self evaluator is more like it. And in that, about every 6 months or so I go through some personal crisis of belief, wondering what does this all mean, and how does this impact me, and who am I in the process. On and on and on it goes.

This month, weeks have been no exception... however, this time, there's a mountaintop lasting impactful jolt of clarity.

Who I am and all that I've become, thank God, is not just on my own shoulders. I realized, that me, this hurt, wounded, healing, recovering, in process of restoration, type of person, is a "tabernacle." A place where one who is holier than holy actually dwells. A sanctuary. Tried and True. I have been studying this in a bible study, but it is rocking my world upside down. What does this mean about me? How can so much anger, resentment and vulgarity come out of a place where the holier than holy dwells? Ahhh, this journey is so overwhelming, isn't it?

A word about bible studies... the one I am in is KICK BUTT. They are SO doing it the right way. I only say this because I've been in all types, shapes and sizes of bible studies. In this one, my children really do have LOVING childcare, where they are encouraged and built up... not just some babysitter that was a last minute find, who's counting the seconds until it's over. And, they have SNACKS... Good snacks. Homemade delicous wonderful snacks. And HOT coffee. Free. With no obligation on my part other than to show up and learn. AND, I am not the leader. I have spent so much time in the last 5 years leading "stuff." It's such a BREATH of fresh air to not lead, and just participate and enjoy. Whew! I didn't realize I needed that so much. AND, people are REAL. I'm one of those folks that believes if everything feels too good to be true, it probably is. Like if you go to a church and everyone looks great, and the building is shiny and new, I find myself wondering... "where do the sinners and outcasts sit?" Anyway, I, the sinner and outcast, the cussing at home mom, the realist in too many ways, am enjoying that this room full of moms and ladies feel and appear, for the most part, to not give a rats a** about what anyone thinks and they are just struggling along the same as me.

That's right people, I struggle. I fail. I don't do it right most of the time. Every day of parenting for me starts with me wondering a. why me god? and b. could you help me out here? and c. can you make it work for my husband to come home early today? That's the kind of at home mom I am. There's no special crafts and baking projects... it's just me surviving this time in my life. Another mom said to me recently... we call that time in our marriage the "hell years." HA! She's so right. Don't get me wrong. I love and adore my kids. They are absolutely awesome! And funny! And so independant (like me)... which is great, but hard to parent. I will never be a homeschool mom. I absolutely relish the idea of my kids being in school. My dream is to garden, scrapbook and photograph my garden so I can scrapbook it. This will happen in about 18-20 years... :) For now, I struggle forward, trying to do and be this thing called mom. And be a tabernacle at the same time. OH and a wife. But, that's next week's post.

More to life...

A phone call today from an old friend reminded me that there's a lot that's happened in this life. Here are the things I've learned so far:
1. There's nothing you can do that is not able to be forgiven by your Father.
2. When you make a mistake, pull yourself up by your bootstraps and move on. You can never undo what's already done, all you can do is move on.
3. Find things that you enjoy, and do them.
4. Everything is better with ice cream.
5. Take time to laugh. Life is too short to waste on worry, guilt, fear, and regret.
6. When you find true friends, tell them you love them, hold on to them, be there for them, and don't let them slip away... because they can be taken from you in the blink of an eye.
7. Don't waste time worrying about what other people think. Who you are is already beautiful.
8. There is no time like the present to forgive, let go, and move on.
9. The secret to a happy life is not things, a big house, more money, a nice car, how well you parent, what kind of job you have, or what you look like. The secret to life is surrender to your heavenly father, and the great adventure that follows.
10. Stand up for yourself. No one else is going to.
11. Remove expectations, then you'll never be disappointed.
12. The only person responsible for your feelings is you, and the only way to control you feelings is by taking every thought captive.
13. YOU are valuable, loveable, and WORTH loving. Period. Anyone who tells you otherwise is jealous of the value they see in you.
14. YOU are talented. Everyone, no exceptions, has their own special mix of talents. Find yours and use them.
15. Smile, and be nice. You never know how this might impact someone standing in line behind you and how they might "pay it forward."
16. Don't give up.
17. Finally, see the good in everyone. It is actually there if you look hard enough.

Meet Wesley BlogWorld!

Here's the most important thing I've done this year, besides be in love with my two other boys...

give birth to Mr. Wesley. Actually, I was just assisting God in a miracle, bringing his gift to earth through my body...

And that's pretty much who Wes is... the miracle man. He survived many things as a very small 35weeker in the NICU at Fairview Southdale... and when his time was up to come home, we've had nothing but wonderful blessings since... although it's gone by so fast, and has been such an amazing blurr of activity. My three boys...

God says, "every good and perfect gift is from above." Yes Lord, you are right again.

Satisfaction

When I first fell in love with God, there were these songs that penetrated my soul.... every now and then, the words, chorus or something reminds me of one of these songs... and my heart is filled with awe and rememberance of the way God has called me, changed me, pulled me, pursued me, and finally, hasn't stopped loving me. What good news! Usually these songs come to me while rocking one of my kids in the middle of the night, or after some time in sincere prayer. What a great Holy Spirit gift, that God keeps on talking to me!

This song is in my head... as a result of some time in Psalm 3...
"Oh let the Son of God enfold you, with his spirit and his love. Let Him fill your life and satisfy your soul. OH let him have the things that hold you, and his spirit like a dove, will descend upon your life and make you whole. Jesus, oh Jesus, come and fill your lambs.
Oh let us sing this song with gladness, as our hearts are filled with joy. Lift your hands in sweet surrender to his name. Oh give him all your tears and sadness, and give him all your years of pain. And you'll enter into life in Jesus name.
Jesus, oh Jesus, come and fill your lambs."

Even now, tears and awe.
Thank you awesome God.