I am

I am...
not going to get into your box, fit into the assumptions you put on me, or give in to the judgements you press.

more than you ever imagined or took the time to know.

willing to show you, but only if you are willing to see.

healed.

realistic about broken-ness.

honest. With myself and others.

not willing to accept unforgiveness as an option.

not going to let you view me or define me based on my "performance" in your eyes.

not willing to allow unhealthyness to be forced upon me just because you cannot help it.

strong.

willing to take a leap of faith.

in love with the underdog.

able to see the good in many people.

able to believe the impossible is possible.

not perfect.

not going to expect you to be perfect.

called.

free.

positive.

compassionate.

nice to strangers.

willing to give the benefit of the doubt, most of the time.

growing.

hopeful.

loving.

Unexpectations

So, life is throwing some curve balls... and I'm realizing that everyone, including myself, is not immune to hardships and things that stop you in your tracks and make you think this thought,
"I never thought this would happen to me."

You'd think I would know this already, because I've already found myself in this situation a few times...

But as of late, I have realized that bad things can happen. Either on purpose or accidentally... and they can happen to me.

Why is it that we think we are invincible? I hear about someone else who was in an accident, or has a rare disease, or cancer, or their husband died, and while my heart always goes out to them, I often don't give it a thought that this could be my life someday... that the ebb and flow of unpredictable situations, diseases and relational issues could indeed land in my path.

And then it does land in my path.

I am a delayed reactor... I go though things and am quite strong and able through the process of the crisis and pain, and then, weeks or even months later, I have my moments of panic of the situation. If someone like my father, the physically strongest man I've ever met, can be very seriously injured by a piece of farm equipment, and stopped in his tracks... (all he knew of his life has now changed) If someone like him can be hurt, then anyone in my life could be hurt. I know this might not make sense, but when you're living in the "life is invincible" reality, the new "anyone can get hurt" reality is hard to swallow.

I continue to have dreams about my children being hurt, and my own arm being damaged in an accident like my dad's was. And it always strikes me when I'm telling a friend about it and they say, don't worry because that probably won't happen. Because really, it might happen. There is nothing, absolutely nothing, I can do to prevent one of my loved ones from being hurt. It is just part of the unknowns of this life. Do you think my dad ever thought that he'd be hurt like this? I guarantee you he didn't. Do you think my friend from church planned to loose her husband 9 months after their wedding? NO!

So where I am today makes my heart incredibly thankful. For the most part, my husband and children are alive and well. We are healthy and happy.

The word is cherish. And as simple as it is, no matter if you've been hurt or not, each day of this life can be a gift for us, if we want it.

Realizations

Here's the thing...
the people out there who need the most help, usually don't want it. And there's nothing, absolutely nothing, anyone can do about it.

for the most part, I'm pretty positive. I am full of faith and hope. However, recently, I've seemed to just take it for what it is, in certain situations.

Sometimes, people just are hard. I can't change it. All I can do is work with God on me. Only he can change someone, and only someone else can respond to God's prompts for them to change. I have nothing to do with it. And so, let's face it... people often, DON'T change.

Even when they should. Even when it's life or death, and the relationships all around them of the people who love them are riding on it... they don't change.

So, my predicament is this... how can I learn to handle it when the person not changing is affecting me so much because I'm one of the loved ones watching? What do we do?

Sit in the middle of this pain with me. I have no control. I cannot change the person. I cannot change the situation. I have to sit here and watch. Watch the pain, watch the suffering, watch the unwillingness to move or bend. Wait for a miracle... and really, I have given up hope that it's coming because it's easier for me to live there, than to be hopeful and then disappointed.

All of this stuff, it is the core of me. My entire life is a result of this pain watching of the unmoved person. The realization that I will not ever be enough of a reason for someone to want to change.

And then, here's the miracle: I love him still. With every ounce and core of my being, i cannot escape or release this overwhelming powerful love. What is this inside of me, this un-fathomable love? It overcomes even the hardest, most broken obstacles, and pours out, even when not deserved or asked for. How is this possible? When all this is the flesh of me wants to lash out in anger and pain, the spirit cries love. Tears and sobs of love... wishing and hoping, even though I tell myself I know better than that.

I can't give up. And I won't.
Even though the reality is, things probably won't ever change.

In a year...

I'm amazed at all that has happened this year, sweet baby boy. The journey to you was an adventure, and now a year has gone by.

I sometimes get amazed when I look back at the pictures of us... both of our lives were vulnerable... you in the NICU barely able to breathe... me in the room across the hall, my blood pressure uncontrollable. At the time, I was only just coping with each minute, not able to fully grasp the situation and how things might have turned out. As I look back I am extremely grateful. We survived little boy! You and me, together.

You give my own life so much joy. It's such a privilege to watch you grow up and to stand witness to your life. I can only pray that I can parent you in the best way for who you are.

Thanks for surprising us with beautiful blessings and teaching me about what it is to cherish. Happy almost one year...

New Year, New Confusion

Hi all...
I'm a little depressed. I can't put my finger right on it, can anyone who's depressed? I think I am not sure.

Just not sure.

Not sure about what's next, or if where I am is right. Not sure if what I'm doing is just filling time, killing time, or just pointless. Not sure if I'm impacting anything for the better. Not sure.

I know I know.. I'm parenting. That's valuable.
Cleaning house... wow, earth shattering.
Teaching people how to make cards and scrapbook... hmmm. Mountain moving.

I just have this in between waiting game deal going on. I just don't know. I think it might be that crisis that happens to us in our mid thirties. Shouldn't I be "someone" now? Shouldn't life be and feel more established and calm? Shouldn't I emotionally be free and healed of all things that have happened to me or happened because of me? Shouldn't I be strong, conquering, confident, beautiful and wise by now?

And so, I stand in front of a road, that I don't know if I should take. I don't know if I should change directions. I don't know if what I am good at is over with and now I need to find something else to be good at. I'm not sure.

Anyone with insight, please email me.

To you all, Happy New Year!