Interfriention

I've got friends.

Really, really great friends. I so love them. I am highly social. I can't stop myself from just making more friends.

But...

As time has taught me, and some hurt feelings, not all friendships are the same. And, I've read all the "poems" about real friends, girlfriends, etc. etc. But, seriously, there's only one quote that satisfies my definition of "friend." Only one.

Proverbs 17:17 "A friend loves at all times."

This is important, because it bites me in the butt a little. I'll explain...

I need friends who understand and love me, right where I'm at. I am sometimes emotional... ok, not sometimes. All the time. I tend to overreact. I don't always say the right thing. I cuss. I like to cuss actually, it makes me feel real. I am sincere. I am dramatic. I laugh. I get louder the more I start talking. I am super sarcastic sometimes. I am compassionate. I want the best for others. I expect others to treat me with respect. I cry. A lot. Often. Almost daily. I will not always remember birthdays and thank you notes... although I usually think about them. I have big dreams, and not big follow through. I'm changing that. I am passionate. SO very passionate. It might make you feel offended. It might inspire you. I can't predict which outcome my passionate-ness will have on you. I won't hold your hand through your emotional breakdowns, but I will sit beside you and listen. I can't emotionally own it for you. I have a hard enough time owning it for me. I need you, my friend, to understand all this, and still choose to love me tomorrow, and the next day and the next day. Because that's what friends do. They love at all times. In all situations.

I was thinking about an old friend tonight who never, ever, ever, calls to say, "How are you doing?" The only time we are in contact is when this friend needs something. Needs a ride to the aiport. Needs me to be there so she can cry on my shoulder. Needs to feel affirmed about her messed up life. No investment in me, only withdrawals from my love tank. Things are gettin a bit overdrawn now. I'm parched and out of energy. I've had a hell of a year. I don't know if I can keep on "givin" to these life-sucking relationships. In fact, I have boundaries with folks who suck the life out of me. It's my survival mechanism.

So, butt biting time. I expect friends to love me at all times, but, in fact, do I love them? At all times? Do I give and expect something in return? What a hypocrite!

Maybe she's really messed up. And I love her. I love her well. But loving also means health, right?
So, for everyone out there... how will I love, at all times, without gettin hurt too? Tough tough line to draw in the sand. Very tough. I'm perplexed about it. And yet, it's a question I've been asking my entire life!

What is this love, that surpasses the pain of the human heart? How do I live it? Why does my attitude always get in the way of it?

I'm such a mess.
Still love me?