Interfriention

I've got friends.

Really, really great friends. I so love them. I am highly social. I can't stop myself from just making more friends.

But...

As time has taught me, and some hurt feelings, not all friendships are the same. And, I've read all the "poems" about real friends, girlfriends, etc. etc. But, seriously, there's only one quote that satisfies my definition of "friend." Only one.

Proverbs 17:17 "A friend loves at all times."

This is important, because it bites me in the butt a little. I'll explain...

I need friends who understand and love me, right where I'm at. I am sometimes emotional... ok, not sometimes. All the time. I tend to overreact. I don't always say the right thing. I cuss. I like to cuss actually, it makes me feel real. I am sincere. I am dramatic. I laugh. I get louder the more I start talking. I am super sarcastic sometimes. I am compassionate. I want the best for others. I expect others to treat me with respect. I cry. A lot. Often. Almost daily. I will not always remember birthdays and thank you notes... although I usually think about them. I have big dreams, and not big follow through. I'm changing that. I am passionate. SO very passionate. It might make you feel offended. It might inspire you. I can't predict which outcome my passionate-ness will have on you. I won't hold your hand through your emotional breakdowns, but I will sit beside you and listen. I can't emotionally own it for you. I have a hard enough time owning it for me. I need you, my friend, to understand all this, and still choose to love me tomorrow, and the next day and the next day. Because that's what friends do. They love at all times. In all situations.

I was thinking about an old friend tonight who never, ever, ever, calls to say, "How are you doing?" The only time we are in contact is when this friend needs something. Needs a ride to the aiport. Needs me to be there so she can cry on my shoulder. Needs to feel affirmed about her messed up life. No investment in me, only withdrawals from my love tank. Things are gettin a bit overdrawn now. I'm parched and out of energy. I've had a hell of a year. I don't know if I can keep on "givin" to these life-sucking relationships. In fact, I have boundaries with folks who suck the life out of me. It's my survival mechanism.

So, butt biting time. I expect friends to love me at all times, but, in fact, do I love them? At all times? Do I give and expect something in return? What a hypocrite!

Maybe she's really messed up. And I love her. I love her well. But loving also means health, right?
So, for everyone out there... how will I love, at all times, without gettin hurt too? Tough tough line to draw in the sand. Very tough. I'm perplexed about it. And yet, it's a question I've been asking my entire life!

What is this love, that surpasses the pain of the human heart? How do I live it? Why does my attitude always get in the way of it?

I'm such a mess.
Still love me?

Artists UNITE

I have a friend who is an amazing artist. In every sense of the world, she is a creative soulmate. She and I are like peas and carrots, as Forrest would say.


We've been pushing each other "artistically" lately. Those of you who are logical concrete sequential non artists will not understand the last sentence. In fact, you probably won't get anything I say. It's ok. We're different. I accept your weirdness. Anywho..., on topic, I appreciate having someone who can push me. It's refreshing. It's so awesome! And because of it, the result is immense and overwhelming respect! WHEW! I forgot what it was like to be shocked by the genuine amazingness of someone. Thanks world, I now "don't" give up on you... Because even though most of the time I'm saddened and disappointed in YOU in general, I know that what's in me is stronger than what you throw, no sling, at me on most days.

So, today, I crawl out of my "pit" that I've been camping in for awhile... because I've got art to make, work to do, lives to impact, things to say, stuff to capture.

Expect great things. And even if you don't, I'm going to do them anyway.

Much love,
Shzells



So, I been making some art. I'm going to share it. But not here and not now. Only when I'm ready.

the TRUTH

I have been through a bunch of hard things lately. I won't tell you how it's been easy, because it hasn't been. My "delayed reactor-ness" is landing about now... and I'm having my emotional breakdowns and fits of rage and crying every other day. As my friend Mary Jane used to say, "the horomonal cocktail is not mixed quite right."

Someone I trusted took advantage of me. After looking back over the situation, i realized that i allowed this behavior to continue in the hopes that it wasn't really happening. But it was. I was right. I now have been looking back over the last two years wondering if ANYTHING I've experienced with this person was true or not.

Also, I've had to deal with a hard diagnosis of someone I love. Again, hopeful that it wasn't true, and then dealing with the reality of the fact that it is true. And now how to proceed and how to go forward.

Here's what I now know because of this CRAP:

1. Even though I can't control what goes on in the lives and bodies of others, I can push, question, and trust my gut in the midst of the trial.

2. I have good intuition and can trust it. (Especially since I believe the Holy Spirit lives in my heart.)

3. I really don't have time to worry about hurting someone else's feelings by asking hard questions. How much heartache would I have saved had I been more aggressive with my hard questions?

4. I really respect others who have the courage to ask hard questions. It causes me to often stop and re-evaluate my own actions and ideas. Therefore, courage evokes change.

5. I've learned that when faced with a fork in the road, you never go wrong by doing the right thing.

6. I now know that even though I don't always know the "ending," it's how I'm dealing with the "right now" that really matters. God is in control. I've decided to let him be.

I Thessalonians 5:17-18 says this, "pray continually. give thanks in all circumstances. For this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

The truth is here. God's will for my life is for me to seek him out always (pray continually) and then to give thanks in all circumstances, no matter how good or bad or hard or challenging. Give thanks.

So, Lord, I'm thanking you tonight. For the beauty of life and the strength you've bestowed upon me to deal with every curveball that get's thrown my way. Thanks for keeping me in your fold, for hiding me in the shadow of your wings. Thanks for being a safe tower, a refuge, a place to be protected from the storm. Thank you Lord. You are in control and I am yours.

Last night as I was falling asleep this old campfire song was in my head, "This song I sing. To the one who has created all that I can see. To the one who has provided to me, everything I need. To my God and to my King, this song I sing."

Even in the midst of all that is unknown right now God, you are everything I need.

country vs. city

Vacation 2010

No More

I deleted the post. Not only because sometimes I'm misunderstood, but also because it basically was a rant.

Aren't we allowed to rant? Anyone else out there get bothered from time to time?

I don't hide how I feel. I don't stuff it. I can't pretend. Just NOT in my DNA. If you can't handle that about me... sorry. Find another blog.

That's who I am. I'm out there. My heart on my sleeve.

This oftentimes makes me a vulnerable person. I get wounded fast and easy. It's not hard for me to feel hurt by something someone says, does or even by a look they might give me. I try to give most people the benefit of the doubt. I feel like I am fairly easy to get along with. But, sometimes, after like 10 years of reoccuring hurt over and over again by the same person even after they've been confronted... well, sometimes, I loose it.

I'm not going to apologize for being honest about how I am feeling. A great friend once told me that you can't help how you feel, you just have to feel it. It is truth. You can control how you act as a result of your feelings. It's hard, but you can do at least that. My feelings, a few days ago, got away from me. Too many of my buttons got pushed one right after the other. I just lost it. But, honestly, that's how I was feeling. And so, fellow blog readers, it landed on you. That is life. And now it's deleted.

The blog is deleted, the feelings are not. I have a migraine. The uncertainty and the negativity of the environment I'm going into... well, it causes me to come unglued a little. However, it is a part of my life... and for better or worse, I have to make the best of it. I have to focus on my truth. I have to take deep breathes and live. I have to enjoy what's in front of me. I have to have a good attitude and try. I have to because the alternative wears me down like a file on raw skin. It sucks the life out of me to dwell on bad.

So, no more. I choose the good. And that is how I'm feeling today.

Zap goes the Holy Spirit

Today we visited a church.
It knocked our socks off.

Wait wait, before you assume anything, let me just tell you about it.

Not flashy.

Not fake.

Not self-righteous.

The people looked like sinners just the same as us.

Authentic.

Relevent.

Did not sacrifice my feelings in the message, but spoke the truth clearly, without passing judgementalism on the crowd. That takes talent.

Moved me to change something in my life that I've needed to deal with for 10 years.

Caused me to leave feeling more "free" than I've ever felt in years.

Had a very easy to check your kids into Childrens Program, with no fees, and with plenty of room and caring adults for our kids.

Kept our teenager engaged in the service the entire time.

Sang two songs by Dave Crowder. (I was done when I heard the first one.)

Sat by someone a lot older than us on one side and a lot younger than us on the other.

Doesn't waste their money on flashy and over the top facilities. Sure it was nice, but you can tell, they didn't over-do it.

Have expanded by 8,000 in the last five years, and are not backing down.

Have room for photographers in their ministry.

Worth the 30 minute drive there, the 10 minute line getting in, and the 20 minute wait leaving the parking lot.

Gave me a free cup of coffee because I was a first time visitor and it was a delicious Americano. Thank you very much!

Made me both laugh and cry.

Kept my attention during the entire sermon and I even took notes and kept the notes.

Made me want to join a church again.

Made me want to do ministry again.

Made me thankful that we've healed.


All this on the first visit! What will next week bring? WHEW!
check it out: http://www.eaglebrookchurch.com/ And if you want to sit by me next week, feel free.